Getting lost for reason 12.3.13

Becoming lost isn't always a horrid thing.

you may find something you have never seen or experienced before. If not you just had a interesting adventure. It's a win win situation.

I have gotten myself deep in a rabbit hole. Like Alice I'm falling 

Down...

             Down...

                          Down...

Emotions mixed, everything spinning, broken.

Trust taken, world stops, grounded.

Feeling worthless, being hopeless, empty.

I was in what I though was a good place. 

Had lots of friends, was super involved with school, and was in a super fun fwb (friends with benefits).

But then everything stopped.

I lost 3 of my closest friends, two to a lie that I didn't commit, and the other the reason. 

I now feel like I once again can't trust anyone and have to be a empty shell.

My mask is back and it sucks.

The funny part about this whole thing is the fwb concept wasn't the part that got me in this mess. It was the fact I was a part of a string of 4 girls that I don't know about. Sure I was the only one who was really far with him and he only kissed the others, it dosn't really matter to me at this point.

I really just miss everything.

I miss the friend who I though I was closer to then what was is in actual reality.

I miss the friend I could rely on to help me through shit and be the distraction I needed. He was my distraction and I was his. That was our agreement.

Most of all I just miss him.

Everyone thinks I have these crazy feeling for him when the words never came out of my mouth. Yeah I like him but we had the dreaded talk that we would never be a thing since he dosn't want a relationship and has to get over his love.

Hence why we ended up as we are now.

We were in the same page of a story no one knew about.

Why did everyone have to get involved?

I want back in that bubble of not knowing and not caring.

I have no idea if I will ever be able to trust him again and I'm so conflicted about everything.

Let him back in or shut him out?

He has tried to apologize and I just have no fuckig idea on how to feel. Do I let me emotions win and take him back? Or listen to my head and run for the hills.

This situation has also shown me who my real friends are. The two I'm currently thinking about are proving not to be.

They don't believe me and that's unfortunate. Also the other is less mature then I previously though and that is a let down. I'm just so disappointed in that concept I can't even think anymore. 

I'm sick if being hurt, I'm sick of people putting concepts in to my reality that are not real, I'm sick of people letting me down. 

Common denominator; I'm sick of people.

I just feel so numb, empty and betrayed

Life will keep moving on I guess.

I'm eaither going to figure out what to do or resign from ASG. I'll just have to wait and see what happens..

What I have learned from all of this is 

even if you try to fix a broken sheet of glass, you will always see the cracks.