Im laying in bed with no chance of sleep..
Waiting for terrors that reside in my dreams,
That everything is fine and really quite perfect,
To wake up and realize that my life will never be worth it,
Can it be possible that my life is so cruel?
Am I really just a stupid mindless fool?
Lay my head down and wish for the best.
Taking the chance and waiting for Rest. -Self written
How can I be so unable to fit in?
Will I ever belong anywhere? If I left would anyone ever call me to say to stay?
The only person on this earth that wants me to stay is my literally only true friend Kenzie.
Which is why I typed this blog in orange because I faintly remember her saying she fancies the color orange.
In any case we proceed:
I spent literally the whole day for just any person to text me or reply back. I cant even count how any times I though or said,
"Boy your such a fucking loser",
"Why are you so sad or shocked that your always going to be alone",
"You should be used to this already!!"
"What did i do this time to once again lead me to being alone?"
Loser Alone lonely frustration
Going on a quick tangent:
Has anyone ever felt the feeling when you know everyone is hanging out and you never seemed to get the invite..
I always had this feeling last year with my old shitty group.
Never thought i would have to go through this BULLSHIT again... I believe that the ASG group all chilled tonight... Since I didn't hear from any of them, then about 1 hour ago (11pm)and keep in mind i have been waiting since like 4 pm I got some response at the same time as if everyone had gotten home. I have never felt so little and worthless. I was really hoping that i had finally found a place where i belonged or just felt welcomed. A place where being fucked up and the worlds biggest loser wouldn't matter.
Its sad really I cried for the first time in a while tonight.
I am trying really hard... Just to stay alive and not get dragged to the point where I needed drugs or self harm to put the demons at bay.
Going back to the previous thought;
I felt like shit today. Like seriously, horrible and empty.
I bet anyone who reads this will just think that I am being overly melodramatic and over reacting. Let me fill you in that in the course of my life, I have been to and through hell and back. Yet I have the feeling that hell never left me. I know when people are being distance without purpose, or the feeling of absolute failure to the point your inner conscience just wants you to end yourself to solve the mess.
Am I suicidal? NO
Hurting? YES
Lonely? YES
Giving up? on ASG YES, on LIFE NO
Maybe i should take my friends advice to just look and try again with a different group.
They are not worth it.
I'm just going to distance myself and figure out a plan.
Since they don't have the time for me, why waste mine?
Its sad really, ASG used to really help me with having a purpose and something to look forward to. Now I'm jut so full of dread.
I am stronger to the point that I dont want to hurt myself, yet I hate how I feel. I have the wonderful words of Kenzie in my phone and I will try to listen to those words, rather then the lack of words I wished I could hear.
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