im not gone just thinking..

So I will quickly say that im going to be on a short hiatus.. sorry for that

Finding, Creating Life That Was Lost But Somehow Found 1.13.13

Life isn't about finding yourself..
Life is about creating yourself..

Come to think of it I'm not entirely sure where i lost myself..
Maybe it was in those 8 hours of class time back in lower years of school..
Or while wandering my college campus trying to find some semblance of why i was there..
In beds of the old friends who i no longer know the whereabouts of..
Was it in everything lost and forgotten?
Perhaps in words and friendly exchanges..
Greeting and Goodbyes..
Did I lose myself somewhere along those roads walked on late nights..
To places with people whose faces I won't recall in  future text..
Did i leave myself behind in books and shows or at the cinema?
In lonely coffee shops?
Or in crowed places of space?
Or maybe it was in the ticking of clocks
and the counting of time just waiting for any chance of better times that never came..
Come to think of it..
I'm not entirely sure where I lost myself..
I'm not entirely sure I ever had myself..

Maybe all these places
are where I've created myself..


-inspired by the anonymous and the unknown 

Getting lost for reason 12.3.13

Becoming lost isn't always a horrid thing.

you may find something you have never seen or experienced before. If not you just had a interesting adventure. It's a win win situation.

I have gotten myself deep in a rabbit hole. Like Alice I'm falling 

Down...

             Down...

                          Down...

Emotions mixed, everything spinning, broken.

Trust taken, world stops, grounded.

Feeling worthless, being hopeless, empty.

I was in what I though was a good place. 

Had lots of friends, was super involved with school, and was in a super fun fwb (friends with benefits).

But then everything stopped.

I lost 3 of my closest friends, two to a lie that I didn't commit, and the other the reason. 

I now feel like I once again can't trust anyone and have to be a empty shell.

My mask is back and it sucks.

The funny part about this whole thing is the fwb concept wasn't the part that got me in this mess. It was the fact I was a part of a string of 4 girls that I don't know about. Sure I was the only one who was really far with him and he only kissed the others, it dosn't really matter to me at this point.

I really just miss everything.

I miss the friend who I though I was closer to then what was is in actual reality.

I miss the friend I could rely on to help me through shit and be the distraction I needed. He was my distraction and I was his. That was our agreement.

Most of all I just miss him.

Everyone thinks I have these crazy feeling for him when the words never came out of my mouth. Yeah I like him but we had the dreaded talk that we would never be a thing since he dosn't want a relationship and has to get over his love.

Hence why we ended up as we are now.

We were in the same page of a story no one knew about.

Why did everyone have to get involved?

I want back in that bubble of not knowing and not caring.

I have no idea if I will ever be able to trust him again and I'm so conflicted about everything.

Let him back in or shut him out?

He has tried to apologize and I just have no fuckig idea on how to feel. Do I let me emotions win and take him back? Or listen to my head and run for the hills.

This situation has also shown me who my real friends are. The two I'm currently thinking about are proving not to be.

They don't believe me and that's unfortunate. Also the other is less mature then I previously though and that is a let down. I'm just so disappointed in that concept I can't even think anymore. 

I'm sick if being hurt, I'm sick of people putting concepts in to my reality that are not real, I'm sick of people letting me down. 

Common denominator; I'm sick of people.

I just feel so numb, empty and betrayed

Life will keep moving on I guess.

I'm eaither going to figure out what to do or resign from ASG. I'll just have to wait and see what happens..

What I have learned from all of this is 

even if you try to fix a broken sheet of glass, you will always see the cracks.

What Are This? 10.29.13

Crazy things have been happening in my life.
I went from thinking i had finally caught a guy to him telling me that he really wants to kiss me BUT doesnt want me to get hurt since he really likes this other girl. 

Perfect :/



How could i have been so stupid.
Why did we cuddle the way we did and why did i let him?
The worst part of it all is it felt so right...
Like i wasn't uncomfortable or nervous..
Well fuck my life... Nothing goes right

10.29.13

Promising 10.20.13

Things are getting better.

Its too early to say anything.

I Can say that this is the first blog i typed with a smile :)

Going Going Gone 10.14.14

           Im laying in bed with no chance of sleep..
Waiting for terrors that reside in my dreams,
That everything is fine and really quite perfect,
To wake up and realize that my life will never be worth it,
Can it be possible that my life is so cruel?
Am I really just a stupid mindless fool?
Lay my head down and wish for the best.
Taking the chance and waiting for Rest. -Self written 


How can I be so unable to fit in?
Will I ever belong anywhere? If I left would anyone ever call me to say to stay?
The only person on this earth that wants me to stay is my literally only true friend Kenzie.
Which is why I typed this blog in orange because I faintly remember her saying she fancies the color orange.
In any case we proceed:

I spent literally the whole day for just any person to text me or reply back. I cant even count how any times I though or said, 
"Boy your such a fucking loser",


"Why are you so sad or shocked that your always going to be alone",


"You should be used to this already!!"


"What did i do this time to once again lead me to being alone?"

Loser  Alone  lonely  frustration 

Going on a quick tangent:
Has anyone ever felt the feeling when you know everyone is hanging out and you never seemed to get the invite..
I always had this feeling last year with my old shitty group.
Never thought i would have to go through this BULLSHIT again... I believe that the ASG group all chilled tonight... Since I didn't hear from any of them, then about 1 hour ago (11pm)and keep in mind i have been waiting since like 4 pm I got some response at the same time as if everyone had gotten home. I have never felt so little and worthless. I was really hoping that i had finally found a place where i belonged or just felt welcomed. A place where being fucked up and the worlds biggest loser wouldn't matter. 
Its sad really I cried for the first time in a while tonight.
I am trying really hard... Just to stay alive and not get dragged to the point where I needed drugs or self harm to put the demons at bay. 

Going back to the previous thought;
I felt like shit today. Like seriously, horrible and empty.
I bet anyone who reads this will just think that I am being overly melodramatic and over reacting. Let me fill you in that in the course of my life, I have been to and through hell and back. Yet I have the feeling that hell never left me. I know when people are being distance without purpose, or the feeling of absolute failure to the point your inner conscience just wants you to end yourself to solve the mess.
Am I suicidal? NO
Hurting? YES
Lonely? YES
Giving up? on ASG YES, on LIFE NO

Maybe i should take my friends advice to just look and try again with a different group.
They are not worth it.
I'm just going to distance myself and figure out a plan. 
Since they don't have the time for me, why waste mine?
Its sad really, ASG used to really help me with having a purpose and something to look forward to. Now I'm jut so full of dread.

I am stronger to the point that I dont want to hurt myself, yet I hate how I feel. I have the wonderful words of Kenzie in my phone and I will try to listen to those words, rather then the lack of words I wished I could hear.

Falling hard 10.13.13

Thy emotions will be the end of me...

I have been in such a horrible state lately. Being overly stressed out is becoming my normal day to day routine:
Wake up
Check phone 
Blank screen
Loser
Look at some mirror
Hate self
Make food
Eat it sometimes
Get things together for school
Dread
Off to school
Stress
Class
See people you dont fit in with
Go home
Seclude self
Hate self more
Eat Dinner
Get in bed
Dread tomorrow
Mind switched on forever
Thinking just about everything worth nothing
Crash asleep
Repeat

Something that should be aded to the list is worrying about people in my ASG not liking me anymore and my stupid crush that i have that i shouldn't have.

I hate when I crush on people. Deep down inside I always know they will never feel the same back.

A lot of the time I try to stand at arms length with people to not have my heart feel like it has been ripped apart.  My heart is already being held together by the love of my friend Kenzie, who is amazing and always tries to say the same for me, and the tiny hope i have of everything getting better.
Yet this time i failed, and who would have guessed it... such a shocker that the loser fell for the popular guy.

Why can't I be as pretty as the other girls in ASG? I always feel so self conscious around them. Why would any guy even look my way (that i want to look)?  There is one guy in ASG that every girl wants his nuts. Sadly, I'm no exception (well not to the nuts part haha) I'm trying to nip it in the bud now so when he doesn't pick me, which will won't, I attempt to "not care". 
Even though I will secretly care, at least I can understand why he wouldn't pick me.

Every girl won't stop talking about how the guy finally likes someone in ASG and like everyone else, i hoped it would be me. I had my predictions like everyone else on who is was or who it would lead to be. The girl i think it is literally is the living embodiment of the dictionary definition of perfect.

She is gorgeous (not me), gets along with everyone and is always included (my phone says i'm not), perfectly skinny (hello fat), is loved by everyone (Look at me, im a loser), but most of all has confidence (I'm shit out).
How the hell am i suposed to keep up with that?
This crush is tearing me inside out.

I have a old quote that i forever tried to follow and  lived by until now;

Never fall to hard for anyone, because you never know if they will want to catch you.